Children's Understanding of Death

Adults can have a hard time understanding death, especially when it hits close to home, so it cannot be expected that children have a solid grasp of death and dying. There are a number of variables that affect children’s ability to understand death, including age, maturity, and temperament.

Young Children

For their first few years, very young children do not have the ability to understand death, but may be sensitive to the emotional turmoil surrounding a household during the time when a family member is ailing and during the period of grieving that follows a death.

Long before their intellectual development allows them to comprehend the concept of death, kids’ emotional connectedness to their caregivers makes them receptive to the stress and anxieties of those around them. While it may be difficult to do so, very young children should be encouraged to form bonds with those who will be continuing to provide hands-on care if their primary caregiver is terminally ill.

That is not to say that they should be removed from their ailing loved one, just that they should be prepared for the transition that will come once that person is no longer able to care for them.

Preschool Kids

Preschoolers are likely to have questions as they see a loved one failing, and these questions should be addressed in a simple yet truthful manner. Even when they have been told that someone they love is expected to die or has died, preschool aged kids are unlikely to grasp the permanence of death and may continue to talk about activities that they plan to do in the future or ask to see their deceased loved one.

They may also express concerns about how the absence of someone close will directly affect them. For instance, kids may worry about who will prepare their favourite meals or wonder who will read them stories before they go to sleep at night. At this age, kids need reassurance that their needs will continue to be met and a healthy dose of patience from those who will probably need to explain the loss of a loved one repeatedly.

School-Aged Kids

As they mature, kids begin to understand that death is forever, but may feel that the death of a loved one was somehow connected to their thoughts or actions. This tendency toward “magical” thinking can lead to enormous guilt, so children of this age need those close to them to provide assurance that nothing that they thought, said or did was responsible for the loss.

Additionally, kids may worry that their future behaviour can “protect” remaining friends and family members, but such thoughts are quite burdensome for young children and should be discouraged.

Teens

Teenagers have the intellectual capacity to understand the permanence and inevitably of death, and may be interested in the spiritual aspects, as well. Questions from teens can be complex and parents may wish to utilise their older children’s questions as opportunities to confirm and explain their own views on death, spirituality, and the afterlife.

Teens who wish to do so should be allowed to help in end-of-life care for a terminally ill loved one, and should be encouraged to share their feelings, both before and after the death. Teens are capable of the same emotional reactions as adults and signs of adjustment difficulties should be dealt with promptly in order to avoid long-term difficulties.